Tue, May 24, 2011 6:31 pm
I have a plethora of lies I use at work. I'm a blackjack dealer at Caesars Palace where I meet people from all over the world, and inexplicitly they will ask me questions, and they always expect answers. They want nice answers. So, I have a plethora of lies.
"How many children do you have?"
"Four," I say and slightly roll my eyes.
I love this lie, sometimes I continue it with each group of people who ask. I really, really like this family. There is Shayden, my 20 year old daughter, who is in college for women’s studies. Marley, my 18 year old, is a skateboarder, but excels at football, plays quarterback, and just got a scholarship. Then there is True, my 17 year old, a dancer and actor, who wants to stay close to home and already dances in a show. Then my baby Emma, who is 15, and wants to go to medical school. We have a great family and my husband is a hard working, good guy. We vacation for a month every year together. I am happy. This is what I always dreamed. True is a pill. Shayden is my do-gooder. I could go on and on.
But today I am tired. Bone tired. The screaming kept me up all night. The worry, it was insane......again. So I am dealing with a full table. Trying to keep it together, add right, smile, cut the chips, and deal the cards.
When I get the question, "Do you have any children?"
I nod yes and say, "One, a boy."
Then another player says, "How old?"
"Eighteen," I say and smile.
"Getting ready for the empty nest?" one player quesestions.
Followed by, "Is he going to college?"
" You look too young to have a 18 year old!" another player exclaims.
Tonight, instead of reaching in my bag of lies I just tell the truth.
"He is severely autistic. He will be staying with me, probably forever," and I smile. I smile so they don't feel sorry for me, so they don't try to say anything else. I smile to make myself feel like it is okay.
Then the statement I have heard dozens of times. "Jenny McCarthy cured her son. You should do what she did." Instead of getting into a huge discussion about why some of the treatments don't work on all the children and explaining all I have done, all of what Jenny McCarthy did and more, I don't. I must be tired, really tired and pissy because instead I calmly say with no emotion.
"I did all of those therapies and it didn't work" and then in a motion I couldn't have timed any better I place each card with each word. "I.... AM..... THE..... MOTHER...... THAT....... FAILED," and with the word failed, I turned the dealer's up card, a queen of hearts. In one quick motion, I check the card and flip over an ace. The table erupts in a collective, "Aaahhhhh!" of disappointment. As I take all their chips they feel, for one second, what I feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day, that sick feeling that something of yours has been unjustly taken away.
It is easier to lie.