Whispers in the Night
To have a conversation with my mom is nearly impossible now days. Alzheimer’s has stolen that ability away. I try and try to converse with her, but it is usually one sided, just very simple responses on her part, or a blank stare. However, many nights, if not every night, she has conversations with herself. This baffles me and to be honest, is quite upsetting and disturbing for me, her caregiver. To try so hard to communicate on a daily basis and get so little in response and then to hear her talking with herself what seems like all night is mind boggling. I can never fully make out her full conversations with herself, as it is usually whispers in the night, but I do know that she is using words, making sentences, and conversing. If I enter the room and try to join in this night time conversation, she is immediately silent. Almost as if she knows it is not “normal” to talk to yourself. If I ask her a question or try to comment on what she was saying I usually just get a blank stare, like a stranger interrupting a private conversation between friends.
I have caught certain phrases she has said and to know what these are is heartbreaking. I have heard her say, “I just don’t know!” and “I just don’t know what to do?” and “It is not how it is.” Phrase such as this just make me feel like she is tormented and suffering on the inside and what is worse she feels she can’t share those feelings with me and I am all she has.
The whispers in the night seemed to have stopped. Just another sign of further progression of this horrid disease. I miss the haunting whispers. Even though I know they were a sign of the confusion and torment that must be going on inside her mind, I miss hearing her voice and knowing that she doesn’t seem to be trying to work it out any more makes me frightened. I feel as though time is short, days are numbered. I may be wrong, but I am realistic to know that as the whispers fade, so does mom.