Mon, Jul 18, 2011 10:38 PM
I didn't sleep last night. I was tired, bone, dead tired. I wanted to sleep, my body begged me for sleep, but I didn't sleep.
I put my son down about 9:40 PM, but by the time I got everything done and just lay down it started.
It started with a scream like it always does and, as always my heart starts racing. I don't know why, but I can't get my heart to stop racing, it seems I would be used to the screaming but my heart isn't. My common sense tells me it is just fear. There is a difference between the blurting and the screaming. The screaming evokes terror.......plain and simple.
I jump up it is 10:32 PM. I run out of my room and meet him in the hall. He is mad and agitated and his face is in a horrible grimace.
"Breathe," I say.
It sounds ridiculous even to me and obviously to my son who grabs both my arms and pinches and twists.
"NO," I say firmly.
I tell him to come to the couch and calm down. I am scared. When he was raging there was no calming down. He just raged.... and raged.... and raged.
It is difficult because I only have the worst of the worst of the worst to compare to. He is not putting his hand or head through glass, he is not putting his foot through solid wood, he is not stomping on my chest or trying to bite a hole in my face so it is all good. Right?
I make him sit on the couch and breathe, we breathe and breathe but he is still angry and agitated. As I head toward the kitchen to get him a glass of water, he jumps up and hits me in the back. He hits me hard and I lose my breath. I'm ignoring the behavior, putting it on extinction. I turn around like I was tapped by a kind stranger just trying to pass by. I don't think a expert could tell that I was as tired and as scared as I was. I don't think an observer could tell that I had the air knocked out of me and was trying to catch my breath. By 11:40 PM, I give him 1/2 of "our emergency medication". I put on a movie and I keep dozing off but he screams every 15 minutes or so and jumps and runs. Running is dangerous. I have to keep him here on the couch.
The medicine only works for a minute. He dozes and then it starts again. I give him the other half.
It is 12:37 AM. He has to be tired this can’t last forever, but it does, and by 5:00 AM, I am shaking and tired.
Marley finally falls asleep. Deep. I go to bed and set my alarm. I have two hours. I thank God for those two hours. It is better than some nights. These are my good nights. I don't know what a night would be without this.
I go to bed and I am not bleeding. I smile. I won't have to wash the sheets or the pillowcases. Less work I say to myself as Marley blurts in the other room. It is only a blurt.