Sat. Oct 20, 2012 9:53 pm
There is a certain fearlessness that you are rewarded with when something you value has been ripped from your life. When you feel as if life has been so incredibly cruel that you yourself must be a horrible person to warrant such treatment.
I wonder why I was denied something that seems to come so easily to most. Most women give birth to a child and, magically, that child develops each day. The way they react to the world, the way they grow, and start talking and understanding it just happens and is taken for granted. Somehow that didn't happen to me or my baby. At one point the magic stopped and everything that my baby was suppose to be was ripped from me.
It makes me fearless in a dangerous way sometimes. My pain becomes so acute on a day to day basis that it seems no harm can come to me now. It is like stabbing a leg that was long ago amputated. I do not fear for myself any longer. I think that this thing....this horrible thing....that has befallen my son and I is the worst possible scenario ever and I will never hurt again.
Then in casual conversation some one will say that my son's autism is from "bad genes", or that I must have missed the window of opportunity to heal my son and I will feel as if a hot poker has been thrust into my heart. The hurt is back.
I don't want it to hurt anymore, I want to be immune from this odd pain that stays on the back burner of my heart to quit hurting completely one day. I want to surrender and give up and never, ever hurt from it again.